On the stupid she-Thor controversy

Listen, Aaron's run on Thor has been awesome, and while I don't get why Jane Foster, out of everyone on earth (including every other woman who has ever fought cancer) is worthy other than some small name recognition, her tenure has been great.

But I don't get my ex-girlfriend's name just because I picked up her screwdriver, even if she inscribed "this is mine" on it.

Redefining "Perfect"

Click here for professionalism: The ramifications of being a brothel

"Is the game perfect? Not by a mile."

And with that jaw-crushing blow, the fine journalists at Next Generation reach the desperate endgame of their defense to the 100% score they gave to Fight Night: Round 3.
I’m certainly not naïve enough to think that everyone involved in the games industry is a gamer. I remember at one of my early jobs in this business
"the games industry", or "this business", as it is referred to by hangers-on, means in this context hangers-on and people who subjectively like or dislike what is being hung on by the hangers-on, but still get paid for their opinions despite the lack of any more legitimate credentials than that smelly guy at work who drinks a lot of Mountain Dew.

"But!" Say many Video Game Journalists!!!, "I have spent many an hour playing games! Aye, I have blur dur hur duh hur" and at the point they say "Aye", I stop paying attention, because they have discredited themselves without even knowing why.

At any rate, I digress.

At the time, since I had one hand on a controller and the other on a keyboard, I was completely — how do the British say it? — gobsmacked.
You have to admire someone who will inject a word they already clearly know, feigning ignorance of it, into a piece proclaiming their integrity. And also adding that classy semi-foreign touch. Especially when that word is retarded. That's Balls. That's right. "Balls" with a capital B.

In my little niche end of the games industry (enthusiast media and professional game critics),
"My little niche end of the games industry" was bad enough, but I blacked out after "professional game critics". Sorry. I can't recall having ever had to use quotes so many times after already quoting the article. I'm now convinced this woman's pieces are actually the compositions of several ugly white men. Perhaps...the Illuminati?

Seriously, what the fuck, people? Is a "professional game critic" held up to the same standard as a "professional journalist"?

Then why do you pay for this shit?

Some of us have done work on Iraqi game development in the middle of a war, but whatever.

How to call something ridiculous: refer to the two to eight times you heard someone crack a joke about Dennis Miller's Monday Night Football run

Click here for professionalism: "Violent" "video" "game" "controversy" "makes" "for" "good" "undersexed" "teenager" "news"

Blue's News reports on a popular video game web site topic, that of

criminalizing the sale of "violent" video games to minors

If anyone ever denies a 12 year old's right to walk into a Gamestop and defy the almighty ESRB by picking up a so-called "violent" copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, this reporter is moving to Canada. I'll tell you something: this reporter's priorities are aimed at something a little more important than reporting on crime, and I'll be damned if I can figure out how else--other than video games--a 12 year old is going to learn about forming gangs or shooting hookers in the face while I'm keeping myself busy making furious hand waving gestures at the internet to retract this kind of hate legislation. And given my busy schedule, if video games don't teach children this kind of stuff, who the hell will? Surely not the same people who made alcohol illegal to all 12 year olds, when most of them are responsible enough to only drive drunk when necessary.

The headline suggests the bill is headed into the same losing constitutional battle as its predecessors in other states, with "pyrrhic defeat" an obscure play on words highbrow enough for Dennis Miller predicting the heavy losses its sponsors will suffer along the way.

A joke so funny Bill Maher weed reference Democrat flirt with that journalist chick I have seen HBO!

I have to apologize. I got so caught up in that Dennis Miller joke that I think I forgot to actually make a sentence. Much like the sterling reporters at Blue's News.

Reporting on reporting on reporting: the advanced state of news in 2006

Click here for professionalism: On flying cars and news at your fingertips in the year 2006

File Rush says that Evil Avatar says that Gamasutra says what Gamefly is saying: "Don't scratch your rented discs, moron."

In the year 2006 we get:

NO flying cars

NO teleporters

NO powered exoskeletons

But in the utopian future of 2005 it only takes fifteen seconds of cutting and pasting and pasting and pasting to become a journalist!!!

Distinction in unusual journalism award

Click here for professionalism: Click distinctly

Continuing on the unique Gamespot end of year report which is unusual and distinctive because it is separated from the crowd (which is what distinct means):

on FEAR

Aside from this unusual shooter's fantastic artificial intelligence and its distinctive, horror-themed premise

Neither horror themes or scary children were in any kind of media this year other than FEAR, and I must commend Gamespot for noticing this distinctive theme in FEAR. Why, I can't think of four other games off the top of my head that had a horror theme, or three movies and at least one other game with a scary child that came out this year. That whole paramilitary thing is pretty unusual, too. If only FEAR had some sort of

"slow motion" ability

(note: quotes not added)

it would be more distinct from any other media than people outside our industry can really ever deserve.

F.E.A.R. takes this highly coveted award.

Entertainment Tonight just ran a feature on how coveted Gamespot awards are, actually. Riots and murders and so forth--it's amazing anyone got out alive. And I happen to know personally that discussing who won Gamespot's 'Graphics, Technical' category is definitely water cooler conversation in the NY Times bullpen.

The killer app: cartoons for children fighting cartoons for the retarded

http://ps2.ign.com/articles/677/677906p1.html

Nothing to report here; I just think it's great that so much fuss is being made over a game where anthropomorphized animals travel to worlds of de-anthropomorphized humans. Do you want this game? Well, keep on shining, you crazy can't-relate-to-people-in-normal-ways star!

About Video Game Journalism!!!

There's something most of you don't realize about video game journalists.

It is a tough profession for us to be in.

We work long hours playing video games. Sometimes those hours are so long, we don't even get to finish the games we're reviewing. Sometimes we have to ask tough questions like "How awesome is your next game going to be?" and "Are the breast physics more advanced now than ever before?"

The people in our industry don't like to field questions like that. The people in our industry don't like to acknowledge video game reporters--the rebels on the fringe of the industry who eat just as many Cheetos and have just as much right to call it

"our"

industry as any coder working 80 hours a week on terrible games we give glowing reviews to for massive kickbacks from game publishers. We have to deal with security for Electronic Arts saying "Sir, please stop staring at the female employees or move along" and "Sir, your press badge is made of syrup and cat fur. Please leave or I'll call the police."

Did you see what I did back there? That's called HTML. You have to learn it in the field as a video game journalist.!!!

The people in our industry don't seem to realize that we walk a dangerous line--a line of not having any formal training in writing, or any training in any engineering or programming field, or often even a high school diploma.

Because we're heroes. We're Video Game Journalists.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: No more smoke blowing prostitutes!

Do you like playing with balls? I know IGN does!

Click here for professionalism: 'Mother' is the name of God on the lips of all children

Ordinarily I wouldn't report on a game worth less than $15 available only online, interesting only to a very small audience who give a damn. But I'm willing to make an exception because anything 360 related in this holiday season means ad revenue!

While pool games have never really taken the videogame world by storm, there is a small niche out there dedicated to virtual pool, gamers that enjoy their billiard action without tattooed hustlers and pesky prostitutes blowing smoke in their faces in crowded pool halls.

Which is odd, considering that most people really love pool, and the only thing keeping them out of your Slick Willie's and your Fast Eddie's and your Dave and Buster's are the tattooed hustlers and those damn chain smoking prostitutes. If I've said it once, I've said it at least twice: Cancer and AIDS don't mix.

Eight Ball, Nine Ball, Three Ball -- if there's a pool game out there, you can probably play it in Bankshot Billiards 2.

That's at least three kinds of ball! And probably there's more! Probably.

There's also a great Trick Shot mode in which you can do thinks you may have thought impossible on the felt.

I can do thinks like understand the words I'm using. That's because I have a degree in Video Game Journalism! I didn't write it on felt, though, so maybe it's not so good.

All of this would be mute if Bankshot Billiards 2 didn't have a great physics system, which it does.

XBox 360: Enhancing sound through physics! It's scienterrific!

The single-player mode could have been better if there was some personality in the game, like computer characters to play against.

XBox 360: Enhancing life through fake friends! It's sociatastic!

One last note:

7.0 Graphics
Nothing special, but nice reflections on the balls and the tables don't have beer stains on them.

Mommy, if I visit you at work it will scar me for the rest of my journalistic life. No, Mommy!

My next review: Walmart value rack featuring Nancy Drew Adventures into Mystery!

Condemned: Criminal Reviewing

Video Game Journalist here, reporting on a great example of video game journalism. This one reviews a horror thriller, and everyone enjoys a good horror thriller. Especially when the horror is being forced to opt!

Click here for professionalism: Starting Easy--Amateur Hour

To refresh you from the core gameplay, you’ll be opted to search for evidence that will help advance the storyline.

I recall a time when I was reporting on a terrorist attack in Falujah--I was an embedded journalist, and the unit I was with got captured by the terrorism. We were opted to refresh the terrorists or die trying. Long story short, we all died. Now that was journalism.

For example, if there’s a table in your way, you approach the table and press the A button when it opts for you to climb over it.

Speaking of which, have you ever opted so much you could just opt? Well, I can't count the number of times I opted. In fact, the entire unit I was embedded in opted. We opted until our opt opted out our opts. There was opt all over the opting place.

The story of Condemned is very good.

Please don't elaborate. You had me at "opt".

Contrary to popular belief, this game doesn’t have you just killing enemies such as bums and drug addicts.

This is some good reporting. I often walk into people on the street who are saying things like "Condemned: Criminal Origins? That's just another one of those bum-killing simulators!" and "Well, if you want to kill some drug addicts, Condemned is the game for you!" But there's more to it than that...

Mannequins also come to life, which is creepy in and of itself.

...There are also creepy mannequins! Dare I say it...mannequins even creepier than those you might find in, say, Mannequin 2: On the Move?!

Reviewed by: Volodnikov

Oh, opt! I guess the cold war is back on! Time to opt myself into a Soviet unit!